How Many Calories Do You Burn Being a Tw**?

Note: Don’t take this article too seriously, but our research has indeed shown that tw**s burn quite a few extra calories…

Some of you may wonder whether tw**s burn more calories than regular people, just through their choice of lifestyle. This question requires more analysis than meets the eye. For instance, we have to draw a distinction between those who try hard to be tw**s to get further in life, and those who achieve their tw**ness naturally. Some are born tw**s, some achieve tw**ness and some have tw**ness thrust upon them. For those who are born tw**s, we can assume that no extra calories can be taken into consideration, seeing as a lifetime of being a t**t has rendered this their natural resting state. We can even go further and postulate that these ‘natural tw**s’ will burn less calories than an average person of same weight and gender, as they expend less energy taking other people into consideration.

However, for the people that try their utmost to be tw**s, even against their better judgement, we can assume that the act of trying hard will burn extra calories, in addition to their base metabolic rate. For any such activity requiring intense concentration, you burn between 300-350 additional calories per day. This value must be moderated by an environmental factor, seeing as they will only assume their energy intensive tw**ness in appropriate situations. If we take this window of tw**-appropriateness to be the normal working day of 8 hours, and assume an additional 2 hours of personal social interaction per day, the ‘unnatural tw**s’ will burn 88,000 calories more per year, based on a 5 hour working week. This is equivalent to climbing 800,000 stairs or 126 miles straight upwards (a low earth orbit). So there you have it – if you want to save money on a gym, start wearing crocs, rev your motorcycles really loudly in dense urban streets and leave your beach towels on deck chairs when on holiday, without any intention of returning in the next 7 hours.

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Comments

  1. Nathan says:

    Lol this is great, I can now see why my work colleague is so thin… ;)

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